If the name of your restaurant conjures images of royalty, you’d better follow that up with food that’s fit for a King… or Queen in this case. Not so with Pizza Queen, the latest in a long line of sub-par, local business pizza joints to pop up in the Northern Rhode Island, Southern Mass region.

The place, located in Pulaski Boulevard plaza with Stop and Shop, took over the spot where Subway came and went in 2008. The decor is minimal and standard pizza joint fare, albeit clean and well lit.

I ordered a large cheese pizza and an order of mozzarella sticks. The lack of any sense of pride in workmanship, fresh ingredients or desire to stand above the rest is evident the moment you see the finished product.

The pizza appears to be a pre-formed frozen crust shell (it may be hand shaped but gives no indication of human hands molding it), with a layer of greasy, yellowish, quickly hardening plastic looking “mozzarella” cheese. You know, the kind that tears off in one gigantic piece the moment it drops below mouth searing temperatures.

One bite into the soggy, zero crisp crust was almost enough to put me off from the entire pie, but I continued strictly to attempt to deconstruct what exactly makes a bad slice.

The crust was bland and not crisp. Floury, doughy and nothing else. The sauce, obviously mass produced and from a can, tasted slightly sweet and metallic with no hint of any other flavor (basil, oregano,etc) except canned tomato. The cheese, greasy and plastic in appearance, has the paper mache-like ,off putting taste and texture of fake mozzarella (or "faux-zarella as I call it) and little else.

Hopes that the mozzarella sticks would be any better were quickly dashed at first taste. More of the same, lame “faux-zarella” with a layer of italian bread crumbs that tasted like something you would get hastily thrown on a middle school lunch tray. The kind kids may even try to trade for something else. The dipping sauce is the same canned tomato sauce.

The only reason I give Pizza Queen 2 stars is because, their dining room is clean and the folks behind the counter are friendly.

Obviously, after tasting this extremely mediocre fare, I will not venture back to try anything else. Before ordering the pizza, I had toyed with the idea to try the Lamb Gyro. Im very glad I didnt.

I must make it clear that I wasnt expecting greatness or gourmet quality pizza. I was just hoping for better, fresher ingredients and a sense of caring for the end product. There are other pizza places (Park Ave Pizza in Woonsocket and Pizzarelli’s of North Smithfield come to mind) that pull this kind of pizza experience off, without seeming to bend to the lowest common denominator.

If I sound overly harsh in my review, its simply because I dont understand the purpose of pizza places like this one (and many, many others). Do they exist simply to turn a profit at providing mediocre fair to a customer base that expects nothing more?

That sounds like the downfall of a dynasty to me.