I submitted a review of Teatro to citysearch about a year ago, the first (and last) time I ate there. I had never felt compelled to write a restaurant reveiw until then. I tempered my review so that it did not come across as too scathing and would thereby be published as a mild warning to avoid if you’re serious about good food and service. Needless to say, citysearch never published my review, further cementing my conspiracy theory that citysearch is quite literally the most bullshit corporate spawn of the internet EVER, which is saying a lot considering I am using an equally identity-stealing piece of marketing research crap to voice my concerns this time around.

If you enjoy: a dull pasta dish that tastes like the food runner accidentally elbowed a canister of salt on the way out of the kitchen right on to your dish, raining sodium like the cute umbrella girl on the container; a piece of fish that gives new meaning the expression ‘a dead fish’ [ad. limp, common, unhirable] (which was not revived, much like a roofied freshman, after a request for lemons); or tuna tartar that got steam-rolled, for lack of a better comparison, in a pile of metaphorical shit—you will lu-huv Teatro.

Teatro and its bretheren may be the harbingers of the ‘Nu Chain’. Micro-chain restaurants (either of the same name or simply owned by the same company attempting to monopolize various niches of the dining market in cities or regions) trick the ‘Kevin Nealon’s Character on Weed’s’ of the dining, liberal type who “hate chains!” into actually dining at them.

For the lesser palate, to which Cheesecakes-and-Vinnies-and-Legals-Oh-My! are the apex of eating out [full disclosure: I really do like Legals], Teatro is something to drive back into the cul-de-sac bragging about.

I would have written off my experience at Teatro and the subsequent failure of my review to be included on citysearch. But Boston City Counc-Hunk Michael Ross just couldn’t let me. When he cited plans for opening an outpost of Teatro on Mission Hill in the current location of the Solstice Cafe, I knew I couldn’t let this one go to rest.

Being a mediocre at best Nu Chain isn’t enough. Now Teatro is cleaning up the ’hood.